The Frustration of This Side

Just wanna grab people

Grab them by the collar and shake them.

“Do you know what I’m going through

Do you know what I’m dealing with?

The weight of this and the pain of it all

Every day, alone!

No one cares!

Not even you!”

Even as you shout in their face

They don’t care.

They judge

They look at you with a sidways glance

And walk away.

They aren’t interested in your

Suffering.

They don’t care about the load

The immense mass

You struggle to support

Knees buckling

Every day.

They say things about you,

Being “unfit” or “abusive” or “unstable”.

They don’t want to know the truth.

The truth might make them hurt too.

Easier to stick on a label

A judgment

Like a stamp on an envelope or

Sticker on a package of meat.

“There you go, now that you’re

ONE OF THOSE

You’re much easier to digest.

I can ignore what you say because I’ve decided that

You are this thing.

You are not person

You are less.”

You who judge have no idea.

You don’t live my life

You don’t hear my words

You don’t feel my pain

You don’t carry my weight.

Your judgement means nothing.

You have made up a word for something you refuse to understand.

Internal Goodbye

image

There is that moment
That heavy, dark, heartsinking moment
Where it all becomes clear.
All lines to a finite point
Yes, it has come to this.
That moment held
Locked tight in deep denial
For so long
Looking away from the blaringly obvious
Choosing your own reality instead.
“This won’t break it. Most people would succumb, but not me, I can make it”
The bleak bowling ball of truth hits
Then you see
All at once
It’s over.
That time has passed and gone away.
Those moments
Those people
That comfort
Has left.
All the things promised
Have all fallen away.
Now the roads, closely intertwined
Part ways,
Far from each other.
There is a loss
A moment you are alone.
Look around in sad abandon
And wonder what to do next.
Put down the weight and walk down the road.
There’s nothing else that can be done.

Velvet Metronome

 

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The way the night

Slips and soothes into existence

It gently lulls with the soft sounds of

The chirps and creaks and gentle bellows

Of it’s lovely little creatures.

The crickets keep time to the tune

Of the overheard moon.

Their metronome has been a comfort

Even on the bleakest

Moonless nights.

A wonder how a small black creature

On a dark velvet night

In the still of the avalanche of life

Can slow it all down

Make it all stop

And be the keeper of your heartbeat

When each beat may

Break it, just a little.

He softens the night

Keeps it constant

When all else may falter or change.

No matter how long or dark or lonely my night

I know the metronome keeps it moving

Keeps me breathing

And this all shall pass.

I can sleep.

Excrutiation of Exhausting

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Smack! Against the wall

Face down, traumatized

Bleeding from your ears

Ringing loudly, deafening

Throbbing, brains rolling

Around with your eyes bulging

From your cracked skull

Reeling, unnerved all senses shut off

Disconnected, blinded, deafened with the

Loudest deafness

The deafness is deafening

No outward sensations, just inner pain and

Darkness.

Your hands do not grasp

Your eyes do not see

Your legs will not stand

You have forgotten where you are and

Where to go.

You have imploded

Over your own insanity.

What A Pretty Cage

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I long to be one of those girls.

One of those tough, gritty girls.

The ones who live outside,

Work in the sun, in the heat and cold

Live with a steely resolve and

Squinted eyes from the sun.

My hair would be long and kept my natural

Almost black.

It would not be styled.

I would have no makeup.

I would get up early and

Work and live.

My hands would be dirty

And I would be strong and healthy.

I could do it all by myself

Keep my sense and wit

And live my days with passion and pride.

At night I would sleep sound

Rested at peace with the production of my day.

I want to be an outside girl.

Breathe the free air and

Dig in God’s dirt.

I will sit in my office

Hair up neat and tidy

Makeup clean and perfect

Dressed up like a doll

With longing glances out my window.

Daydreaming, wrapped up in the formality,

For a life of simplicity.

The Secret in My Stare

Lace for Me

Lace for Me

wisp in the breeze

wisp in the breeze

 

These are the secrets that I keep.

They are the shapes of the clouds and they gently fluff by.

They are the dapples of sunlight sifting through to the grass,

And the wisp of the moon in the breeze.

The birds flit in the sunlight,

Bantering with each other.

The sweat bees hover around

and dip into their dens.

They are the heavy clouds

That press upon my soul

And change the way the beauty looks.

They are the aches and pains that slow me down

Give me doubts about myself.

They are heavy deep and dark.

They are pain, solitude, exhaustion, depression.

They are the buzz from my medicine that makes the world

So mesmerizing.

They are the giggles I keep stifled

And the tears I guard fiercely.

On the outside, I must seem aloof and controlled

But inside, and ocean of awe and emotion rolls.

Can’t Think to Tell You

Nearsightedness

There’s nothing quite as frustrating

Depressing, hurtful

As desparately needing conversation

Needing support, needing that exchange

And being so exhausted, that when the moment comes

You can’t think of anything to say.

And there it goes…

And it’s just you again

Trapped and pent up in your

Sleepy shell.

 

 

I have to say this here because there’s no where else I can say it. I’m on medication that is called “habit forming”. I have been sick and I’ve apparently been skipping doses on accident (I was more concerned with taking cold medicine so I could breathe). Last night, I was kept up with some wonderful effects of withdrawal symtpoms, and today I feel like I’ve been pulled through a knot. Disgusting. It’s been a long time since I had to deal with withdrawals of any kind. It’s not something one misses. But thanks for letting me get that out. 🙂